Both repeat the same old problem, the right one even escalates it further. Convex surfaces where flat surfaces or sharp edges should go. You took a simple lineart and applied the "make all solid areas look convex" type filter. Her hair look like cross-hash with the band, her bra cuts deep into her breast with its edge, the narrow strand of hair (on the far left) pushes a hole in the hair mass behind. The strand of hair over her neck depresses into her neck. It's a geometric nonsense.
This -could- work if you applied the effects by layers, not all lines influencing it. Separately apply it to foreground, to background, then apply lineart that doesn't affect it at all. Of course it seems like it would add work (lineart has to be separated into layers) but I'm sure the effect would be vastly better.
I think you should try lighter color lines. I like the color on the left better but both figures look like they are molded or carved out of plastic. This flattens the figure a bit, especially because the effect is the same over the whole figure.
I think you should stick with the original color because it's not too distracting but I think you should try making your lines a lighter, more saturated blue color. That seems like it would give a more Icy/Watery look. With the dark lines next to the highest highlights it actually makes it look like it is carved.
Anyway, all I'm trying to say is, Lighter Lines. I really hope that helps.